When the problem feels like it lives “over there”

Most relationship trouble doesn’t begin with cruelty or bad intentions. It begins with a familiar, almost invisible conviction that the problem is over there.

Perhaps we feel misunderstood. Unappreciated. Disrespected. Something in us stiffens, and before we know it, our energy shifts toward defending, correcting, or withdrawing. We may not say it out loud, but the message is clear: If you would change, things would be better.

This is human. And also the moment when connection begins to wane.

Over the years, I’ve come to believe that one skill more than any other determines whether relationships grow stronger or slowly erode. That skill is self-responsibility.

What self-responsibility is—and what it isn’t

In the context of a relationship, self-responsibility is often misunderstood. People worry it means taking the blame, excusing hurtful behavior, or silencing legitimate needs. That’s not what I mean.

Self-responsibility is not:

• Self-criticism
• Emotional suppression
• Working only on yourself
• Letting others off the hook

Instead, self-responsibility is about agency or reclaiming your ability to choose how you show up, regardless of what the other person is doing.

At its core, self-responsibility asks a simple but powerful question: What is mine to own in this moment? Of course, you don’t own everything. Just what’s yours.

The quiet power of ownership

Here’s a small, ordinary example.

Imagine a conversation where you feel dismissed. Your partner looks at their phone while you’re talking. You feel a surge of irritation and hurt. At that point, several paths are available—often without our conscious awareness.

One path is accusation: “You never listen.”
Another is withdrawal: “Why do I even bother?”
Another is silent resentment.

Self-responsibility creates a different option. It invites a pause long enough to notice what’s happening inside you before acting it out.

You might recognize:

• I’m feeling unimportant.
• I’m assuming bad intent by my partner.
• I’m reacting from that assumption.

From that place, you have more choices. You might say, “I notice I’m feeling brushed aside. Could I have your attention for a minute?” Or you might realize that this is a moment to self-soothe first, then return to the conversation later.

The situation has not magically changed. Your partner has not changed. But but your experience has changed.

Why this skill matters in every relationship

Self-responsibility is foundational because it interrupts the cycle most relationships fall into:

reaction → counter-reaction → escalation

When we stay focused on what the other person is doing wrong, we give up the one thing that actually belongs to us—our response. Ironically, the more we try to control or correct others, the less influence we tend to have.

Self-responsibility reverses that dynamic. It doesn’t guarantee immediate agreement or harmony, but it does something just as important: it restores dignity, clarity, and choice.

And those qualities are contagious.

When one person begins to take responsibility for their tone, their timing, their emotions, and their requests, the emotional field of the relationship changes. Defensiveness often softens. Conversations slow down. Repair becomes possible.

This is true in marriages, friendships, families, and even workplace relationships.

A simple practice: The Ownership Pause

When you feel activated in a relationship, pause and ask:

• What am I feeling right now?
• What part of this is mine to own?
• What is one responsible action I can take that aligns with who I want to be—regardless of the outcome?

That’s it. No perfection required.

Practiced consistently, this small pause builds emotional strength and relational trust over time.

A final thought

Self-responsibility doesn’t mean you never feel hurt, frustrated, or disappointed. It means you stop outsourcing your power to those feelings—or to other people.

In my upcoming book, Six Habits of a Healthy Relationship, I explore self-responsibility as the first and most essential habit—not because it’s easy, but because every other relationship skill depends on it. When we change how we show up, relationships often begin to change with us.

Not all at once. Not magically. But steadily, quietly, and in ways that last.